On Not Giving Up: Saving My Art Career & a Long Overdue Update

written on 2 july 2025 and sent as a newsletter

My last newsletter in may was all about slowness and appreciating the tiny things in the Scottish landscape. This one, even though it's bloody hot in the Netherlands right now (38°C, seriously?), is about how quick situations can change and how to cope with that change. We have some catching up to do, you and I.

In short, I worked really hard to save my business these past months and what I mean by save is that I completely depleted my financial buffer because of external reasons. I needed to fix it. I wanted to fix it.

I consider myself a pretty financially responsible person, but being self employed I obviously don't have a monthly paycheck I can count on, there are no guarantees. I've always realized the fragility of that reality, but it shows itself at its worst when you need it the least.

I had tried keeping the creeping fear of dwindling resources out of my head (I had a financial buffer of five months), as I had other feelings (lots of) to deal with, but eventually the reality was just a zero. I thought of moving out of my studio (I have a contract, can't even do that), of looking for another job (now!!! but what?), kept a lot of it inside and eventually had an honest conversation with my partner about the situation (the shame! You're a failing artist! See, this is not a real job! My thoughts, not his). We made a plan together and I told him all the things I doubted about and all the things I would do to better my situation. I didn't get very far, but it was something.

What I realized during that conversation most was that I wanted to fix this. I did not want to give up. I'm not throwing away seven years of self employment because a bunch of bad things happened to me at the same time. It's not fair and I'm not giving up.

If you want me to excel at something, you should tell me I can't do it. Really mean it. It might take years but I will prove you wrong. In this case it was my own head (and society's vision about artists of course) that told me I couldn't get myself out of this situation as I wasn't the best mentally. That changed when I started talking about it, instead of keeping it in and led to knowing I could fix this. I grabbed every opportunity I could get my hands on.

Acquisition is not my hobby, but the first thing I did was email everybody I ever worked with either with a (hello, how are you doing) or a new offer I had going on. These never lead to replies by everyone, but I was in contact with a few people again. Good. Boost of confidence. We can do this.

Not being able to paint yet because my head was not in it, made me look at objects I'd already made. My zine 'I dreamt of expanding' was about 50% sold and could get a new boost, so I emailed every cool book zine shop around the world that I could find and got into 5 different shops. This was not something financially rewarding right away, but again, a confidence boost and some visibility.

At the same time I applied to every open call I saw right away and did not procrastinate, which resulted in two new risoprints made with Zutmonsac and also a rejection for something I wasn't even a big fan of. I already knew I would join one art market (Illustratiemarkt Utrecht) and thought to myself, I already have the inventory, why not join even more?

My paintings 'Motion, stillness, movement' and 'Constant form' were exhibited at Galerie Waterbolk during their Curated Stories exhibition, which happened to already be planned. There was a big reveal party of the Kunstmuur in Utrecht, for which I made a work all the way back in november and the exhibition opened for my new risoprint in Breda at Brandpunt. I illustrated live twice, once for Renaissance hotel and once for Hoxton hotel in Amsterdam. And during this manic time of events I felt so energized that I went to even more, just for myself and to meet new people. And then of course got sick and lost my voice.

But not before I started recording a new online course about painting Imaginary Friendsand writing a book about starting your creative business (how ironic). The course got put on hold until I regained my voice, but I'm picking it up right now. These two online 'products' actually started from feeling so fragile as a self employed artist.

I don't always want to feel 'well' and work and be visible all the time. It's not my dream to work 80 hour workweeks to compensate for the time that I 'lost' on vacation or feeling ill. And it's something I've always realized, I just hadn't implemented it yet because it wasn't necessary. Well, now it was.

Well, now it was. I’ve made some baby steps with my Youtube channel (I earn money by showing advertisements, even though it’s a very small amount it’s still something) and with my Patreon(which has grown to 15 members now, yay!) and it was the only income I still had. I had held myself back with creating more online things because of a stereotype I had formed in my head that was based on a few rotten apples. I only realized this recently because I visited some events where I really couldn’t identify with the crowd at all, and that if I created authentic online products, and in this example courses, with actual value that it wouldn’t even be in the same pile as them. I’d just disregarded an entire genre of things! To make sense of it for myself I compare it to books. I don’t think all books are bad, I just think some are.

Meanwhile I hesitantly picked up my brushes again. I tried an hour of painting here and there. And it worked. Not right away, my first strokes were pretty bad, but I felt it again. I wanted to paint again. I might even say I almost finished one painting again.

If your identity is so intertwined with what you can do, it's very strange when that skill falls away. Drawings and commissions were fine for me, since they're small and defined. But painting was another game. I've experienced phases of not being able to paint before and I know I always get out of them so I wasn't too scared, but I was very glad of the distraction by these events and other things that were happening.

We're now heading into the summer which is usually a quiet time for me, although I do have one really cool thing happening that I can't share yet. I was unsure of what to write for this month's newsletter but apparently I had quite a few things stuck in my head to share with you. This is not a pity party, this is just reality. I'm doing what I can to save my art career, studio and building up my financial buffer again for the next emergency.

It's been seven years (this august!), we can do another seven years at least.